By Nisrine Pineo & Isela Coonley

Nisrine: We have been a licensed foster family with Durham County for several years. Early in 2019, two young siblings came to live with us and have been with us since then. When the Department of Social Services discovers abuse, neglect, or dependency in a family, children are sometimes removed from their family and enter the foster care system. They are placed with a foster family, who cares for them until they can safely return to their family or be adopted.

There are currently more than 400,000 children, aged 0-21, in foster care in the United States. In many counties, there is a shortage of foster families available to receive these children. As a result, children are sometimes placed out of their county, farther away from their birth family, or in group homes. Being a foster family has been challenging. My son, Zavier, shares that, “if you don’t know where the kids are going to end up, it’s harder to take care of them.” He’s right! But, I can also say with confidence that it has felt very rewarding to do work that has such a huge impact on the kids. If you, as a single person or a family, are interested in finding out more about what it means to be a foster family or support foster families in our community, I am happy to talk with you.

I’m grateful that Isela Coonley was recently willing to share with me about her experience. An excerpt of our conversation is below.

Nisrine: Could you tell us a little bit about your experience with the foster care system in Durham?

Isela: I was 13 months old when I was placed in Durham County's foster care system due to an abusive family situation. Initially, I was taken to an emergency foster care family for two weeks before my birth family arranged for a kinship placement. I spent about a month in the kinship placement before that too became unsafe. At this point social services contacted my future parents (Kip and Sarah), who had been licensed and waiting for several months. After about three weeks with them, they learned that another kinship placement had been arranged. I was transitioned to that fourth home for one night, but cried for most of that night. Because my birth father had visited while I was in the Coonley home and saw that I was happy there, he asked my mom (Sarah) if it would be ok for me to go back. My parents were delighted to bring me home again! After a few more complications, I was finally adopted as a three-year-old in 2008. My birth father died in a car accident while I was still in foster care and my birth mom was deported back to Mexico. I have had very sporadic contact with my birth mom, but we have tried to keep in touch.

Nisrine: What characteristics should a foster family have?

Isela: There are many characteristics that families should keep in mind when considering foster care. Some of the ones that come to mind at the moment are to be open to people coming and going, to be a safe haven for any foster kids, and to set a good example knowing that this is an opportunity to show children another way. Although it's sometimes hard, being positive and encouraging can help. It can also be really sad, to see a kid have to go through such difficulties. Parents should know how to guide kids through learning about their past.

Nisrine: Is there anything else that would you like people to know about foster care?

Isela: Foster care can be hard, but rewarding because you know you’re helping families out when they need it. And of course, it impacts the kid’s life, to have a family who will love them. It’s helpful to know that there are people out there who will give their time and energy for a short-term or long-term relationship with these children. People go through hard times and make bad decisions sometimes, and foster parents can help provide much needed care and stability in these situations.

There are kids right here, right now that need your help who would definitely benefit from a loving family who will help them through a little portion of their lives.